Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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