Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
