Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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