I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
