you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
