and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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