I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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