I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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