miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
