I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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