There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
