I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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