i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
