I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
