I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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