I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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