I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
