He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
