that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So much rum. So many feels.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
