The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
