she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
