i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
