i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
