Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
ugly people sure do ruin things
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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