Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
