Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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