Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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