Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize