if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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