yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
