You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
