dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
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Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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