got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
