I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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