be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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