Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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