mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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