every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
