I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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