you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
