First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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