If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
We need to rekindle our bromance
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
