I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
