I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
