I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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