genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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