All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
