youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
