I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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