Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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