Cold hands, warm shart.
I just threw up on my dentist
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
