i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
