If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
