i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
