Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
