hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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